Heartbreak | New Resolutions

As I said in my last post, there’s going to be a struggle to feel empowered and on top of my path forward. At times, like in the last post, that will be the driving energy. At others, my long tail of pain and existential despair from this year will have the upper hand, and I’ll have to use that strength and courage to sit as calmly as I can in the darkness. The last week since that last post has felt much more the latter than the former.

I looked back through pictures today from this last year and realized that I spent pretty much the entire year sad, depressed, and heartbroken. The worst months have been not only that but riddled with thoughts of suicide, and the worst days in that have been battling against negative self-talk about how the world wouldn’t miss me in the slightest other than my mom and some close friends. I got a response to my last post that I am strong and brave and am beginning to tap into that, but that’s the thing – I’m not beginning. I’ve weathered so much pain and feelings that I’m meaningless and pointless because I’m so incredibly strong that even when I feel like I’m worth absolutely nothing, I still show up and try to do my best and be the kindest person I can be to those I encounter – most of whom have no idea how difficult of a time I’ve been going through.

I’ve talked about the why before – this all feels like a loss not only of a relationship but of love and partnership as meaningful pursuits in my life. I’ve spent the last few months seeing who’s out there, and ultimately, that doesn’t leave me feeling any better about the future. So, I’ve been letting go of the attachment to the idea of sharing my life with someone in the future. I don’t trust love anymore. I don’t trust that there’s a good match out there for me, and furthermore, I don’t trust myself. I seem to be attracted to those who don’t seem to see me or value me, so even if I did find someone who felt like a great match, I’d thoroughly doubt my evaluation.

So, here we are, at the cusp of a New Year, and I’ve decided that I’ll stop bringing up these bad feelings by looking through who’s out there on dating apps. I’ve only really been looking for friends or casual dating, but as I’ve scrolled through 100s of profiles, I can’t help but notice that none have sparked a deeper interest. I’ll leave my profile open so that others can perhaps find me, but I’ll stop with the effort on my end as the regular reminder seems to stir those feelings of apprehension about being alone.

I’ve struggled with this set of feelings for months now. At times, I’ve even thought of it in terms of Nietzsche saying that mankind would rather will nothingness than not will – his project’s concern regarding nihilism. I’ve worried that perhaps I have a nihilistic stance towards all of this at this point. In a way, I couldn’t blame myself. I feel like some big part of me is dead, and I need to amputate that to walk on with new invigoration. I do have some deep nihilism in my heart – I feel like something I had attached a lot of meaning to is gone, and as Frankl warns us, that sense of meaninglessness in one’s life is connected to a despair and surrender to death.

I can only hope for a Nietzschean great convalescence. At times, like in the last post, I feel on the cusp of it, and I think that willing something different is key, rather than willing the negation of all that hurts. As such, I will being a philosopher bachelor. I will that facing the absurd of meaninglessness pushes me towards greater wisdom about the interconnection of all and compassion for all other sentient beings. I will letting go of love, partnership, family, and fatherhood. If they find me in the future, great, but I will no longer worry about finding or building them myself.

I recently have been reading about Zen energetic practices which led me down a rabbit hole of the embodied energetics of chanting and the bodhisattva vow. Let’s take this vow up as the resolution for the new year:

Sentient beings are numberless; I vow to save them.
Desires are inexhaustible; I vow to put an end to them.
The dharmas are boundless; I vow to master them.
The Buddha’s Way is unsurpassable; I vow to attain it.

from Soto School Scriptures for Daily Service and Practice, as quoted in Living by Vow: A Practical Introduction to Eight Essential Zen Chants and Texts by Shohaku Okumura

May the impossible nature of the above aspiration inspire patience and compassion with myself as I continue to struggle with self-mastery and as I fall short of any intentions of doing right by those I encounter in my life.


May this post act as an inspiration or companionship to those out there who need it.

Gassho!

Tarot – Hopeful Guidance in Difficulty

Over the last few months, I’ve struggled a lot in keeping my spirits and resolve high while going through a lot of change and reconsidering my place in life and path forward, especially regarding romantic relationships. Tarot has been a way for me to pause and see myself and my circumstances differently.

I recently found one particular set of cards interesting in a way that I thought worth sharing, and their message was really succinct in a way that’s even more shareable. I was pulling in a spur of the moment, self-created spread — noodling, if you will. With this particular deck, it has worked well sometimes. Beyond that, I was drawing for insight on circumstances and movements above and beyond myself, yet in the midst of it, three cards came out together that were clearly meant as advice for me and how to sit within this greater set of events.

For framing, as said above, I’ve struggled reconsidering my place in life, particularly regarding romantic relationships, so much so that I’ve considered that I may need to give them up altogether and aim at being alone and strong in myself for good. Here is what the cards told me:

Choose love.

Don’t become disillusioned.

Don’t give up hope.

Given the context of the drawing, this advice is vague – not telling me to choose anything in particular or fight for anything. However, it felt like a balm for doubt and greater existential advice in general. It’s so easy to give up heart in the most unclear of personal times, but that’s precisely when it’s most important to recognize that the setbacks and pain of loss, regret, rejection, and failure are temporary and localized. I take it all as meaning the greater spiritual message of not giving up on putting your heart out there and trusting that compassion and kindness towards yourself and others germinates seeds of positive growth in the world, regardless of personal feelings about being jilted. In other words, this may be the greatest opportunity to work on seeing the value of being warm, positive support to others, the work of a bodhisattva, not worrying about the more personal, samsaric doubts and worries of my own personal narrative.

Then again, perhaps it is a more personal thing that will make more sense in months to come. I’m not sure — either way, setbacks shouldn’t stop one from having positive intention (hope not meant as pushing a particular outcome, rather as general positive belief rather than despair about meaninglessness). There is value in just acting warmly, choosing to love life, one’s fate, and those in our lives.

In any case, no matter what I make of it, I think this small, 3 part message is a great motto to keep in mind for anyone reading this.


May this bring you hope that engenders fearlessness.

Gassho!