I speak at length about coming to the end of cycles, struggling with the developmental shifts of life, being tested, living up to the person you want to be in the world, some random musings about borderline personality disorder, and wisdom about some of these topics from Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, and Machik Lapdrön (the Tibetan founder of Chöd – amazingly insightful and modern feeling insight from a female nun in the 1100s!!!).
This recording rambled a bit more than normal I feel. I hope there are pieces that resonate to any who may listen to the end. I’m grateful for you all.
It’s ironic to me that in some of the roughest moments of the relationship I grieve that I was called prideful or possessing a big ego. There are few moments where I’ve felt less seen.
The truth is – yes, I’m confident in my insights, intellect, and my ability to adapt to circumstances, including failure. However, I sell myself short all the time. I was reminded of that this evening when I went to the grocery store and was met with absolutely exuberant amazement and praise at the fact that I was wearing a mitten I had knit and designed myself – just completed this evening. It kind of shocked me (I don’t really feel that any of these efforts are that spectacular), but that’s the point – I assume that many around me are greater than myself. I’m continuously surprised by others and keep my mind open to their possibilities – my philosophical and spiritual approaches would be mere bluster if I didn’t truly feel that way. I give others the benefit of the doubt, and even though I have studied years to know about a variety of topics, I often find myself speaking to others as though they know the same information. With knitting, I feel like an imposter still trying to find some small modicum of excellence, even though I’m designing my own projects on the fly now. I just feel that others around me must be more experienced and know more – because I know how little I know.
The same goes in recent times with feelings regarding my physique. I have felt unattractive for months despite months of push-ups, pull-ups, and physical effort, but I have gotten overwhelming positive reactions from people recently, and for the first time in quite some time, I see myself in the mirror and feel powerful. It’s been a key point of healing.
A friend recently told me that whichever woman I end up with in the future (although, honestly, I expect that to be no one) will be incredibly lucky because of my intelligence, kindness, and general awesomeness. I don’t feel that way. I feel that I’m worthless, day in and day out, but I show up. I do my best for others. I try to learn. I try to grow. I try to be kind. I try to be present.
All I can do is try, but in part, this time is learning to be kinder to myself in the process and learning to see that any excellence I do have is honed by this very phronesis of aiming for the good and being humble enough to doubt myself along the way. There needs to be a balance between self-criticism and self-compassion.
May this inspire others to both push themselves and be kind to themselves.
On the Way 
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